Anguished English

anguished english 2Sometimes you find a treasure in unexpected places — like an overlooked or somewhat forgotten book on a dusky shelf just waiting to become your new friend.  Such was the case with Anguished English – An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon our Language by Richard Lederer from 1987.

I spent a delightful afternoon visiting its 177 pages of tortured, teased, and tormented text of brilliantly blundered bloopers and inspired gibberish guaranteed to have you laughing out loud.

Below is a sample of the many ways to easily mangle and confuse words (and readers) within written communication.

A word by any other spelling – Student attempts with similar words

  • The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.
  • Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
  • Having one wife is called monotony. When a man has more than one wife, he is a pigamist.
  • Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup lived out West
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  • H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.

Buy it now! Not quite the whole truth in advertising

  • Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Not perhaps the best job description

  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Church Bulletins with best intentions

  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White  to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • The choir will meet at the Larsen House for fun and sinning.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The women included their husbands and children in their potluck suppers.

Poorly placed typos

  • The spacious home of Judge and Mrs. Clayton was the scene of a beautiful wedding when their youngest daughter, Carol was joined in holy deadlock by Mr. Fox.
  • Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course a detective on the police farce.

Headlines – Short and interesting

  • MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
  • SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
  • LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE
  • JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
  • CALF BORN TO FARMER WITH TWO HEADS

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.” George Bernard Shaw.  Enjoy the book!

HouseSpouseLife.com and InspiringLifeOverFifty.com provide insight for those over 50 who continue to change the world – and for those who love them.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s